midterms week once again.. my last midterms week ever.. yehey..

for this week, i have two papers, one exam and a report.. plus my thesis.. goodluck to me.. let the multitasking begin!!

anyway, i went to onl's listers night, onl's mtv session stint and the sesame street special.. so i heard some of the songs for the third album.. nice songs.. can't wait for the album!!

i was able to talk to barbie last sunday at the sesame street special.. she still knows me.. haha.. she graduated last october and i never saw her again until last sunday.. great memory.. she asked me about school.. hehe..

damn this weather.. i've been sick for two weeks now..
Book of the Moment: notes and articles..
Song of the Moment: ...
Currently Feeling: restless

You win some, you lose some and I surely lost on this one…

A week ago, I lost a barkada. Ok, I left a barkada would have been more accurate. I left not because I want to. Not because I don’t like them anymore. And not because I don’t care for them. But because I that I’m no longer part of the group. Conflicts kept coming and I seem to be always associated with it. So I thought it would have been better if I just left the group. I texted them that I am leaving. They never replied. So I assumed that they don’t care if I left them. But at the back of my mind was the thought that if someone, even just one, would tell me not to, I won’t leave. But they never answered. I guess nobody cared after all. All I needed was a tiny sign of assurance that I’m still wanted but they never showed it.

The ride on the way home was a blur. All I can remember is that I cried my eyes out all throughout the damn bus ride home with nosy strangers staring at me.

Up to this date, never heard anything from them. Sometimes I want to text them just to let them know that I’m still thinking about them. That I’m still interested to know what’s happening to their lives. But years of experience told me that I would just be subjecting myself to more pain, disappointment and humiliation if I continued to push my company upon people who obviously don’t show any interest on me.

It had been a rough experience. And it gets harder to deal with every day. Realizing that I’ve lost a significant part of my life. It feels almost like losing a family. I felt lost and alone. Every time my phone rings, I hoped that it would be one of them but it never came true. It’s true then, what most people tell me, that I’m nothing. I guess I don’t mean much to the people who mean so much to me.

One text. That’s all I need. A reassurance that they still want me. If they still want me to be their friend, they would have talked to me. One text would be enough to make me feel wanted and welcome to the group. One text would be enough to compensate all the hurt and pain. But if they don’t want me anymore, I know someday I’ll be fine.

I miss them. I really do. But as they say, life goes on. For now, I’ll have to think of other things to keep me busy and pray that it will get less painful as days pass by.

By the way, if you’ve seen my confidence and happiness hiding somewhere, could you kindly send it back to me because I badly need them pronto. Before I completely lose my self-worth and sanity.

Book of the Moment: ...
Song of the Moment: boulevard of broken dreams
Currently Feeling: worthless

Life gets harder every passing day...

A lot of people have been constantly telling me or making me feel like I'm worthless, that I'm nothing and that all i ever do is make stupid mistakes... And I'm starting to believe them.

All my life, people around me noticed every single mistake I make no matter how simple they are. I tried my best to become someone that my family would be proud of. I guess it's a losing battle. Everytime I accomplished something of value, people around me would just say "well, that's good" and then went back to whatever they were doing. Sometimes, they plainly ignore me. After a few days, they would even forget about it. But when I did something stupid, even something as simple as failing a short quiz, I spent hours listening to people diss my entire being.  And every single mistake committed was remembered as if they were national holidays.

I've been hearing nasty things about me left and right every single day. I tried my best. I tried to remain strong through it all even though deep inside, my heart felt like it was being ripped into shreds. But all the strength was gone. I can no longer let them diss me without breaking down in tears.

I'm useless...
I can never be good enough...
I'm stupid...
All I ever do was cause trouble and problems...
I'll never accomplish anything...
I make mistakes all the time...
I'm worthless...
All the good things and accomplishment I made would never ever compensate the mistakes I did...
I'm such a failure...

I tried my best to prove them wrong... But now I'm starting to believe them.

Book of the Moment: ..
Song of the Moment: boulevard of broken dreams..
Currently Feeling: worthless..